Hello. I am The Amazing VanderHawk!What makes me so amazing, you might ask? Quite simply, my amazing ability to analyze dreams. And in that analysis, to discover the truth behind your dreams, and behind that truth, to discover the real you. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, I am here to help you discover the true you. By analyzing your dreams, I will be able to help you. Help you to understand you, who you are, and what you want, and so on and so on, etc, etc, etc. Please feel free to read on....and to be helped. |
This first letter comes from a woman who is deeply disturbed.
Disturbed by a re-occurring dream. Disturbed by unanswered
questions. Disturbed enough to write to me,
The Amazing VanderHawk!
Dear The Amazing VanderHawk:The helicopter then begins to drop what looks like small dinner rolls on the people below. I begin to scream and I lose my balance and fall off the building. This is usually when I wake up. Please, can you help me and tell me what all this means?
Thank you for your help, Mr. Amazing VanderHawk. Dear Disturbed: It sounds to me like you might be a lesbian. Let me elaborate. You begin by saying that you are standing on top of a tall building. In dream analysis, we all know that tall buildings represent the male penis. By standing on the penis, you are obviously superior to the penis. And therefore a lesbian. But analyzing your dream further, we also know that holding a red flag is significant. The color red in dream analysis represents anger. Either anger or extreme joy. So when you are waving the red flag, you are either angry at the people below, or are extremely happy for them. My guess is that you are waving at them to get their attention, probably to say, "Hey, look at me, I'm a lesbian!" Next, you mention a black crow that seemingly appears out of nowhere. The black crow is actually your subconscious. Telling you to shut the hell up. We know this because he grabs the red flag. In dream analysis, 'grabbing the red flag' always means, shut the hell up. The crow transforming itself into a helicopter dropping dinner rolls is just too strange for me to comment on. You might want to check out some mental health facilities in your neighborhood. Finally, the screaming and falling is a very common occurence in dreams. And in dream analysis, we all know that screaming and falling means you have a fear of penises. Therefore, you are a lesbian. |
This next letter comes from a professional businessperson
with some serious problems. Fortunately, he consulted me,
The Amazing VanderHawk.
Dear The Amazing VanderHawk:
They are very large and are actually eating the papers I am using.
Again, no one in my office sees the cockroaches but me. The
dream usually ends with me grabbing my papers when the roaches
themselves start to scream like the sound of the siren. This
is very disturbing to me and I hope you can shed some light
on what all of this means. Thank you for your 'Amazing' help.
Dear SiS: Good Lord! This dream does not require a great deal of analysis. You say that in your dream, you are hard at work. Please! No one is ever hard at work in their dreams. Dreams are by nature an avenue for for escape. I've never heard anyone ever say that they are 'hard at work' in their dreams. Be honest with yourself and don't you dare lie to me! Anyway, you then say you begin to hear a 'high-pitched siren' of some kind. In dream analysis, we know that 'high-pitched sirens' represent lying. For example, you are going to 'blow the whistle' on someone, because they've done something wrong. My guess that your wrongdoing has something to do with lying. Lying and probably cheating. I'm not exactly sure why I say this; it's just one of my Amazing gifts. As the siren grows louder, you are actually hearing your own lies coming back to haunt you. "WHEEEEEEE", you hear the siren seem to say, "LIAR.....LIAR....LIAR....". Don't you see how obvious this is? And the fact that no one in your office can hear the siren just means that no one else in your office is as big of a liar as you are. These people are honest, hard-working people who are minding their own business. They have deadlines too, you know! And the part about the cockroaches just means that your lies are dirty. Just like those dirty cockroaches. Yuck! You're a dirty, cheating liar! And when the cockroaches begin to scream like the siren, well that just means that you're probably going insane. According to the imminent dream psychologist, Dr. Sigmund Freud, insanity is always represented by noisy cockroaches. |
This next letter was sent from a real weirdo. And nothing pleases me more than to help
real weirdos with
their weirdo dreams.
Dear The Amazing VanderHawk:
Dear Nichole: (and just what exactly are you describing and uploading?) Ah, yes. The classic 'supermarket-shopping-and-putting-cookie-in-mouth' dream. How many of us have had THIS one? In basic dream analysis, we know that shopping in the supermarket for trail mix is symbolic of intense insecurity. The kind of crippling, debilitating, dehumanizing insecurity, that you can barely stand to even look at yourself in the mirror without feeling flushed with overwhelming, devastating, and pitiful disgust. The idea of shopping in a supermarket, therefore, is your way of escaping your crippling insecurities, and redirecting your inadequacies toward yummy foods. You may feel like life is not worth living, but you still have Ho Hos and Moon Pies to sooth your troubled psyche. You mention that you nonchalantly grab a cookie and place it in your mouth. This is particularly significant. According to Immanuel Kant, that most imminent of philosophers, the action of 'grabbing a cookie' usually means you have a yeast infection. Sometimes heavy, sometimes mild, it's hard to tell. It depends on the type of cookie. The nasal-like voice you hear over the loudspeaker informing you to report to the front of the store is most likely Regis Philbin. He seems to be showing up in a lot of people's dreams lately. It's really kind of scary, if you think about it. The nasal-like voice is the tip-off. Either Regis Philbin or Richard Simmons. And 'calling you to the front of the store' is, again symbolic. However, this symbolizes your feeling of supreme superiority over all those you have known and ever will know. By being called to the front, this is your way of saying to yourself, ' I am the greatest thing on two legs to ever grace the planet earth'. And this, coupled with your crippling insecurity, is what makes you such a basket case. It's surprising you can pull it together enough to make it through the day! My hat goes off to you, for containing your wild, erratic impulses, and pretending to be a functional, somewhat normal human being. Thanks for your letter and have a nice day. |
Finally, this last letter comes from a real headcase! I think you'll agree with me that this is one sick puppy!
Dear Amazing Dr. VanderHawk,
Dear Really Having To Pee... The need to urinate during a dream sequence means one thing... You need to get up and go to the toilet!!! Thank you for your letter. |
If you have a disturbing dream that you would like to have
analyzed, The Amazing VanderHawk is offering, for a limited
time, free dream analysis.
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